From Alcohol To Pancakes
by StoleTheSpider
Summary: It's just a another regular morning at the Avenger's Mansion. Tony's causing trouble, Clint's making witty comebacks, and Steve's trying to keep the peace. Add a little Hulk and you've got a huge problem. What's a team leader to do? -Rated T for cursing!


This is my first 'branching out' Fic, if you will. It's not even a Fic. Oneshot? Drabble? Crack Fic? *shrugs* I'm trying to get used to writing third person, so this won't be perfect. Please help me better my writing by pointing out any spelling/grammar mistakes that you see. :)

Beware. There is cursing in this Fic.If you don't like reading curse words, then please refrain from reading this Fic. I don't want to offend any of you, but I honesty can't write Tony as anything other than a potty mouth, even though I never curse myself. XD Also, please tell me if the characters are OOC. Much appreciated. :) P.s. This is in Movie!verse. Enjoy!

StoleTheSpider does not own anything.

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><p>"Tony…What's in your hands?"<p>

"Fuck! Steve! It's too damn early for you to be sneaking up on people. Go…rescue a kitten or something." Tony Stark griped as he shuffled into the kitchen of the Avengers Mansion. Tony was many things. Billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, Iron Man, but morning person was not one of them.

"You didn't answer my question Tony. What's in your hands?" Steve Rogers asked again. He crossed his arms and stared pointedly at the man in front of him.

"Nothing. Geez. It's just a canteen. You know? For water and shit? Stop mothering me." Tony sighed while trying to hide the 'canteen' behind his back as discreetly as possible. It was totally unexpected to see Steve this early. Actually, just in the mansion. Usually he went out for a jog or something before coming back to eat some kind of wholesome American breakfast. He was too 'goody two-shoes' for his own good. Tony would have to work on that.

Steve was not convinced by Tony's feeble lie. "Water huh? Mind letting me have a sip?"

"Germs! Ew! No offense Steve, but I'm not letting you drink out of my canteen. That's just nasty. You'd get your spit all over it. Just disgusting. Get your water from the tap like everyone else."

Just as soon as those words left Tony's mouth, Clint Barton wandered into the kitchen, bleary looking, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "You guys are so freakin' loud. It's six a.m. Clam up. Where's my cereal?" he grumbled as he shambled over to the pantry where the dry foods were stored. Technically, the team could have hired a maid or a cook to prepare their meals for them, but most of the team liked to fend for themselves. Steve turned out to be an excellent cook. Even though his foods were a little old fashioned, they still tasted exceptional. Especially his made from scratch pancakes. So he was the designated meal maker for the rest of the team, or rather, whatever team members happened to be around when the food was being served. Steve wasn't complaining.

"Shut up Clint. No one care's about your cereal. It tastes like cardboard for Christ's sake!" Tony scoffed.

Clint glared at Tony as much as he could past his sleepy exterior. "You shut up. You're just jealous that you don't have your own cereal." he said arrogantly as he reached inside the pantry to pull out a box of 'Hawk-O's!' "I mean look! The pieces look like bows and arrows! You can't get any better than that."

Tony felt that it would be best not to let Clint know about the hundreds of cereals that were based off of Iron Man or the thousands that were based off of Captain America that were all around the world. Hell, even the Hulk had his own cereal! Granted the pieces looked like fists and were green and purple, but they were a heck of a lot better than Clint's 'Hawk-O's!' that were basically sticks for arrows and D's for bows. All a stunning and delicious looking shade of brown.

"You're full of it. Fine. Just let me have a sniff then." Steve said as he rolled his eyes and held out a hand for the 'canteen', effectively pulling Tony back to the conversation that they were previously having.

"Why the hell do you want to sniff my canteen? Now you're just making me feel uncomfortable. Talk to me later when you don't have all these weird questions." the billionaire said, acting appalled, as he tried to slip out of his teammates reach.

Before Tony could even make it to the door, Steve's firm hand grabbed his upper arm and pulled him back into the kitchen, successfully revealing the faintly alcohol smelling 'canteen' to Steve's accusing gaze.

"I thought so. What did I say about alcohol on base? Remember the last time you got intoxicated? I had to go through a lot of trouble to get you out of that doughnut sign. It cost a lot to replace it too."

"Steve. For the last time. No one uses the word 'intoxicated' anymore. Except for the police. When you start talking like the police, it makes me nervous. Please stop. And what's this about a doughnut sign? I don't remember any doughnut sign? Was any of it recorded? I want to see!"

"It was pretty epic. I think Natasha got some pictures. She'll deny that she's got them though. Either she wants blackmail material, which she already has plenty of, or she wants to hide the fact that she was actually having fun." Clint mumbled around a mouth full of cereal.

Steve rolled his eyes at the pair. "You're both so childish. Stop trying to change the subject Tony. Hand over the canister."

Tony got a petulant look on his face and held the desired object out of Steve's reach. "No. Mine. Why are you so interested in my drink? Okay. Here's the truth. It's chlorophyll. I had to drink it to counteract some stuff that was going on with me a while back. Now I'm addicted to it. It's that simple. Thanks for making me tell you my dirty little secret."

"It's not really a dirty secret more like a really gross fetish. I mean, have you actually smelled that stuff? It's like wet socks. And when you pour it out of the shaker thing and into a cup…Glompgsh!" Clint made a slushy sucking sound accompanied by him waving his milk covered spoon around.

"Clint. Watch where you fling that thing. You're getting milk everywhere. Tony. Hand me the canister. Now." Steve demanded, using his war hero voice. But Tony was not easily swayed and very used to government stiffs trying to order him around. He ran out of the kitchen as fast as he could, screaming, "No! It's my booze! You can't have it! You'll never take me alive!"

Steve stared after the inventor a few seconds before chasing after him with a shouted, "Chlorophyll my ass! I knew that it was beer! Hand it over Tony! You know it's against the rules!"

As Steve chased after his wayward teammate he hoped that Stark wouldn't get into too much trouble. If it wasn't super villains wrecking mayhem on the streets, it was Tony saying some snide comment to the wrong person. That usually resulted in some kind of fight. With Tony, almost everything ended with him getting punched in the face at least once a week.

Tony, in his haste to get as far away from Steve as possible so as to protect his precious beer, wasn't looking in front of him while he was running. It was no surprise to anyone when he crashed headlong into Bruce Banner. Quickly stepping back from Bruce, Tony paled a bit. This could get real violent, real fast.

Bruce, for the most part, seemed momentarily stunned. When he came to his senses, he stared down at the now sodden papers in his hands. The once pristine white sheets were now soaked through and limp with beer. The smell that was emanating off of Bruce and his papers was one that belonged specifically to alcohol. "My new report... This was going to help me solve my…This was gonna…You don't even know how long…It…Grh…HULK SMASH! HULK SMASH PUNY ROBOT MAN!" the Hulk roared out.

"Come on!" Tony groaned as he watched the scrawny scientist in front of him slowly turn into the inner raging beast that was the Hulk. Bruce's skin started turning green as his muscles began bulging out. Around the time that Bruce's lab coat and shirt started ripping from all the muscles that were stretching them out, Tony turned tail and booked it back towards the kitchen and past a startled Steve.

"We can't just let him Hulk out! He'll destroy the whole mansion!" Steve called to Tony as he quickly ran up beside him.

"You're free to try and stop him!" Tony called back to Steve as he picked up speed. He heard the Hulk smashing things in the hallway behind them and he didn't want to be anywhere near there when pieces started flying. Currently in his pajamas he was very far away from his Iron Man suit, leaving him very vulnerable. A piece of what looked like wall plaster flew past Tony's head and he winced. Every time the Hulk made an appearance, it always made his wallet a bit lighter. Mostly because of all the renovations and repairs that had to done in his wake. Not that it mattered, being filthy rich and all, but it was annoying to be constantly having to repair the mansion after one of its own residents tore it apart.

As Tony and Steve dashed out of the kitchen and into the living room, Tony threw a quick glance behind his shoulder to see Clint staring wide-eyed after them, his spoon hanging out of his mouth with milk and cereal dribbling down his chin. Suddenly, the Hulk smashed into the kitchen in pursuit of the pair of fleeing superheroes, causing rubble and debris to fly everywhere. Clint let out a yell and dived under the table, throwing his cereal bowl up in the air in the process.

Tony laughed and called out in a slight singsong voice. "Hey Clint! Hulks here! Watch out!"

"Asshole! You could have warned me beforehand!" Clint yelled back angrily.

"I just did!"

Clint yelled several more obscenities after Tony's retreating figure as he laughed. The Hulk may be smashing the shit out of his house, but at least he was getting his kicks.

"Tony! Focus! This is no time for jokes!" Steve yelled as he dodged a piece of counter that was hurled past his head by the Hulk.

"Sorry Cap!" Tony chuckled. "I have this nasty habit of taking life threatening situations and not taking them seriously!"

"We've noticed!" Clint growled as he scrambled over a fallen table and into the living room with the other two men.

"You're one to talk." Tony jibed.

"You sonofa-! You freakin' left me in there to fight off the Hulk by myself!"

"You obviously did a crappy job of it. I can still hear him there breaking shit! You gonna pay for all that damage?" Tony smirked.

"You little-!" Clint roared and moved to lunge at Tony, only to be stopped mid-leap by Steve.

"Enough. You two are acting like four year olds. We have bigger problems than your constant ego battles. The Hulk is currently on a rampage inside of our base remember? What are we going to do about it?" Steve said to the two in his most patronizing tone.

Clint harrumphed and pointed at Tony. "He's pretty much useless without his suit. My bow and arrows are in my room, and you don't have your shield. How do you expect us to fight the Hulk?"

"Way to rally team spirit Clint." Tony muttered the same time Steve said, "I'm not exactly sure. I never said that it was going to be easy. Maybe we'll be able to distract him long enough for backup to arrive and neutralize him. Tony, can you have Jarvis contact the other team members and tell them to return to base immediately to help us take down the Hulk?"

"I'm already on it. Jarvis? You heard Cap. Double time." Tony called out.

"Right away sir." the calm voice of the AI said. "And might I suggest that you move away from the living room area. Mr. Banner seems to have tired of destroying the kitchen appliances and is now moving towards your location."

"Thanks for the heads up Jarvis." Tony mumbled as he turned towards the kitchen where the distinct sounds of smashing had stopped. Now there were only the sounds of heavy footsteps stomping towards them. The Hulk must have heard Clint and Tony shouting and figured out that that was where they were hiding. "Shit."

"Maybe we'd stand more of a chance in the kitchen? Now that it's all smashed up there's got to be something to use as a weapon." Clint mused.

"You might be right. It's big enough for use to move around as well. When the Hulk moves into the living room, on the count of three we'll all charge past him and back into the kitchen. Pick up the first thing you can find to use as a weapon and get ready. He's going to be a bit calmer after destroying the kitchen, but not by much. Ready? Here he comes…" Steve advised.

Tony and Clint nodded grimly and readied themselves. Neither of them noticed until the last second that the heavy footsteps had stopped. They were now standing in complete silence. The bad thing was that the silence was more worrisome than the sound of the Hulks advancing footsteps.

Just as they were getting ready to run into the kitchen, Hulk or no Hulk, the swinging doors opened to reveal…Bruce!

"The hell! Bruce! What happened? You were just smashing the heck out the kitchen! What made you change back?" Tony gasped.

Bruce shrugged. "I wasn't really that mad. More like…," Bruce scratched his neck, "super annoyed. You totally ruined that report that I had stayed up all night to type. But it's no biggie. I saved it on my computer so I can just print off another copy. I convinced Hulk to smash the kitchen to bits to relieve some of the anger and stress and stuff. Now…here I am." Bruce finished his explanation with a ta-da gesture.

Clint ran his hand though his hair and let out a whoosh of air. "Well that's a relief. I thought we were going to have to try and hogtie you with kitchen towels or something."

"Yeah. But now the rest of the team is rushing over here thinking that the Hulk is still out of control. What are we going to do? It's to late to call them all off now. 'Hey guys! Shucks! Looks like you missed all the fun! Better luck next time!' Yeah. I don't think that's going to go over so well." Tony quipped.

"Then we'll just have to make it worth their while. Whose up for pancakes?" Steve smiled, pointing towards the kitchen.

"How are you going to make them? The kitchen's in shambles." Bruce asked.

"Oh, I'm not going to make them. I was going to drive us all down to IHOP. You all game?"

"IHOP pancakes? Hell yeah!" Clint cheered.

"I'm in. It's better than eating Hawk-O's." Tony shrugged.

"Hawk-O's? Those things taste like cardboard! I was feeling peckish and snacked on a handful…worst snack choice ever." Bruce grimaced.

Clint deflated a bit, but bounced back a bit when Tony slipped him the 'canteen' of alcohol. Steve noticed, but considering all that had happened this morning, he let it slide. Most of its contents had spilled on Bruce anyway. Now there was hardly enough to get a pleasant buzz.

With many slaps on the back and friendly jibes, the four superheroes headed outside to await their frantic teammates so they could all head to the International House of Pancakes. It was a great day to be a superhero.

A little to late, Tony and Clint realized that they were still in their pajamas, which were now covered in rubble, beer, and dirt. After a couple more pictures from Natasha and a quick costume change for Clint and Tony, the Avengers finally headed out to conquer "THE MYSTERIOUS LAND OF CAKES FROM PANS!" courtesy of Thor.

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><p>How was that? Funny? Stupid? Find any mistakes? Feel free to let me know by dropping me a review if you have the time! :) Thanks for reading!<p> 


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